Understanding The Mother Wound

By Ariel Eversoll & Theresa Ritcher

Mother-daughter relationships aren't always sunshine and rainbows.

Despite what society tells us, not all mother-daughter relationships are built on unconditional love, acceptance and support. In fact, many women experience a painful and complicated dynamic with their mothers, one that leaves them feeling unseen, unheard and unloved. 

This reality, however, is still taboo to talk about. And because of society's expectations of what the mother-daughter relationship should be, many of us women carry so much guilt and shame around these feelings. We are told to believe we should be grateful for the mothers we have, no matter the mental, emotional or physical toll they may have on us. 

So often we have clients coming to us that have been suffering for years because they are so ashamed to even admit to themselves the realities of their mother-daughter relationship. And it makes us so incredibly sad. 

And that right there, is exactly why we do what we do! We want to tear down the walls and show women that they don’t need to feel ashamed about their strained mother-daughter relationship. Imperfect mother-daughter relationships are the norm, not the outlier.

So, if you’re reading this right now and the relationship with your mother has caused you pain, you are not alone. And more importantly, you are NOT BROKEN. What you are experiencing has a name - the MOTHER WOUND - and healing is possible, even if your mother never apologizes for the pain, wounding and trauma she’s caused.

And now that we know what’s behind your difficult relationship and the pain you feel, let’s dig deeper and define what the mother wound is, what causes it, the symptoms, the spectrum of the wound, who it affects and the different areas in your life it’s impacting. 

So, What Is The Mother Wound Anyway?

We hear this phrase mother wound thrown around all of the time, but what does that actually mean?

In short, the mother wound occurs when there is a lack of mothering that takes place due to an emotionally immature, absent, critical or abusive mother or mother-figure. This deficiency in mothering also creates an insecure attachment between mother and child resulting in the child not feeling safe, secure or emotionally connected to themselves or others in the world.

The mother wound is also the emotional pain and the harmful beliefs, identities, patterns and programming that is passed down from mother to daughter in a patriarchal society, often originating from generations of unresolved trauma, sexist oppression, and harmful cultural expectations.

This wound is at the root of who we believe we are, what we believe we are worthy of receiving and how we show up (or don’t) in the world. It’s also deeply embedded within us and affects us on a mental, emotional and physical level.

And we want to be clear about something…the mother wound term it’s not about blaming our mothers - it’s about understanding that they, too, were shaped by their own wounds, often unknowingly passing them down to us. When we can recognize the harmful things that have been passed down to us and how they are negatively impacting us, we can start to reprogram ourselves and break free from toxic generational patterns.

So, if you’re stuck in a victim mentality and constantly blaming everything wrong in your life on your mother, you must STOP. Yes, that may be a hard pill to swallow, but it’s necessary to heal. The harm your mother inflicted was awful and not your fault, but at the end of the day, it is YOUR responsibility as an adult to take accountability for your own life. When we do this, we take our power back and stop letting circumstances and people outside of us control our lives.

Now that you know what you need to do, let’s take a look at what causes this wound in the first place.

How Do Our Mothers Cause The Mother Wound?

This is a question we get asked all of the time and it’s not an easy thing to pin-point because each woman’s mother wound is completely different. However, we can say that the mother wound starts to develop from birth and begins with an insecure attachment that happens between mother and child. This is where the child’s mental, emotional or physical needs are not being met in some way. And as a child continues through their childhood, more and more wounding takes place at the hands of their wounded mother. 

A mother that causes the mother wound is a mother who:

• Was emotionally unavailable or dismissive of her daughter’s feelings
• Projected her unhealed trauma and insecurities onto her child.
• Was overly critical, controlling, or envious of her daughter’s success
• Prioritized societal expectations over her child’s emotional needs
• Was neglectful or absent throughout her child’s life
• Was unpredictable, violent or abusive in any way towards her child
• Did not provide her child with unconditional love and acceptance
• Placed the undue burden of her unrealized dreams on her daughter
• Was an apathetic mother with no interest in her daughter whatsoever
• Shamed her daughter for having needs, wants and desires
• Squashed her daughters light so she didn’t shine more than her mother
• Parentified her daughter and expected her to take on the burdens of the mother
• Consciously brought her daughter down to make herself feel better

These are the realities that many daughters have faced growing up and still face to this day. And since you are reading this, we are willing to bet that you can identify with one or more of the above. And if you do, know that it wasn’t your fault, what your mother did to you was not ok, it caused you harm, and you have the right to be mad, angry and upset about it. 

Unfortunately, the worst part about all of this is that we internalize the things that are done to us in childhood - we grow up and live our entire lives with the beliefs that we are to blame, we are bad, something is inherently wrong with us, we are unworthy, and we are unlovable. If you struggle with these same beliefs, we are here to tell you that you are none of these things. YOU ARE NOT THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO YOU!

Now that we know how our mothers created our wounds, let’s take a look at the symptoms or how it shows up in our life.

The Symptoms of the Mother Wound

The mother wound doesn’t show up in just one way - it shows up in many ways we may not even recognize at first. 

There are numerous symptoms of the mother wound and they usually fall into four main categories: Mental & Emotional; Physical; Relational; and Mother-Daughter Relationship. 

Below we’ve included the symptoms of the mother wound below, so take a moment to review them. 

1. Mental & Emotional:

• Feel like something is inherently wrong with you
• Fear of being abandoned or rejected
• Constant shame & guilt
• Feel unworthy & unloved
• Low self-worth/esteem
• Don’t trust yourself
• Depression
• Addictive behavior
• Disordered eating
• Dissociate
• Self-sabotage
• No sense of self
• Feel stuck 

2. Physical:

• Anxiety or panic disorders
• Autoimmune disorders
• Unexplained body pain
• Headaches/migraines
• Stomach issues
• Tired/Exhaustion
• Always irritable
• Weight gain/loss
• Complex PTSD  

3. Relational:

• Emotional care taking
• Jealousy of other women
• Controlling & Manipulative
• Afraid to be authentic
• Anxious or avoidant attachment
• Feeling too much, not enough or needy
• Don’t speak your truth
• Shrink & silence yourself
• People pleaser
• Lack boundaries
• Afraid to show emotion
• Difficulty communicating
• Unhealthy romantic partners
• Codependency      

      4. Mother-Daughter Relationship:

• Constant conflict within your relationship & no resolution
• Disconnected and don’t really know each other
• Feel unseen, unheard & unloved
• Unable to express your emotions and feelings
• Seek mother’s approval, validation & love
• Feel responsible for her emotional wellbeing
• Anxiety or fear at just the thought of your mom
• Never feel you measure up to your siblings
• Talking often ends in an argument
• History of abuse or neglect
• Emotional manipulation
• You feel like the parent
• Defensiveness
• Gaslighting
• No trust

How many of these did you resonate with?

If you’re like a lot of women with the mother wound, you may have identified with the majority of these. But don’t freak out, you can work through all of these and heal! It’s a process and requires a commitment to yourself, but you can do it!

And now that we’ve reviewed the mother wound symptoms, let’s see where you fall on the mother wound spectrum.

The Spectrum of the Mother Wound

Unfortunately, we all have a mother wound and it looks different for everyone. In fact, there are as many mother wounds as there are people! It exists on a spectrum, from subtle emotional disconnection to outright abuse (any kind). 

On one end of the spectrum, a woman may have had a mother who was physically present, but emotionally distant - perhaps always preoccupied, unable to express affection, or dismissive of your emotions. A daughter in this situation may grow up feeling unworthy of love or hesitant to express her needs.

On the other end of the spectrum, a woman may have experienced severe emotional, verbal, sexual or physical abuse at the hands of her mother. In these cases, the effects of the mother wound can be deeply traumatic, leading to struggles with self-worth, boundaries and trust in relationships.

Regardless of where you may fall on this spectrum, the impact is real, and healing is necessary.

If you’re interested in finding out where you fall on the spectrum and find out how much of an impact your mother wound has on your life, check out our free mother wound guide + assessment.

Who Can Have the Mother Wound?

Anyone who has had a mother can experience the mother wound as it’s not based on gender. While this wound is commonly thought to affect just daughters, sons can also suffer from the mother wound. And because society places a ton of pressure on women (being expected to be caretakers, people-pleasers, or perfectionists), the mother wound often affects daughters uniquely.

The mother wound is expressed differently in daughters because mothers are a mirror for their daughters and show them what it means to be a woman. We learn and take on the harmful beliefs, identities, patterns, programming and behaviors of our mothers because she is our model of how we need to show up in the world.

Even women who did not grow up with their biological mother can still carry the mother wound. Any mother-like figure in your life can create these wounds. Stepmothers, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, godmothers, and adoptive or foster mothers can all cause mother wound.

Now that we’ve discussed who can have the mother wound, let’s look at the areas in our life that our mother wound impacts.

The Major Areas of Life the Mother Wound Affects

Like an invisible thread, the mother wound can weave itself into every aspect of a woman’s life. Oftentimes, we aren’t fully aware of how much it truly impacts our lives and how we show up in the world. 

Here are the areas where our mother wound can show up in our everyday lives:

• Health & Wellness: Many women struggle with stress-related health issues or internalized body shame due to their mother’s criticism or neglect.
• Friendships & Family Relationships: A woman with a mother wound may struggle with trust, boundaries, or people-pleasing behaviors that stem from her childhood experiences.
• Romantic Relationships: The mother wound often shapes the partners we choose and how we show up in relationships - seeking unavailable partners, fearing  intimacy, or accepting less than we deserve.
• Relationship with Self: Negative self-talk, perfectionism, and chronic self-doubt are often rooted in the mother wound.
• Career & Finances: A woman’s ability to ask for what she deserves in her career or financially can be deeply impacted by childhood messages about her worth.
• Achieving Goals: Fear of success, playing small, or feeling unworthy of big dreams are all signs that the mother wound is in control.

What areas of your life does your mother wound affect?

If you took a few moments to reflect on all the areas of your life that your mother wound affects, you’re likely feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. But don’t worry, YOU CAN heal and overcome the obstacles your wounding has created in your life.

Healing Is Possible And It Doesn’t Require an Apology From Your Mother

Healing the mother wound is not about waiting for your mother to change or offer an apology for the harm and trauma she caused. If you believe that your healing hinges on your mother changing or apologizing, you’ll be waiting forever. And even if she did change or apologize, it won’t magically erase the harm and hurt that was caused. It’s still going to be there. 

So then, what is healing about? Healing is about making a commitment to yourself and showing up for yourself everyday in a new way. It’s about reclaiming your inherent worth and power, rewriting the beliefs and narratives you were given, and breaking the cycles that no longer serve you.

Think of it like tending to a garden. If your soil has been depleted by years of neglect, criticism, and unmet emotional needs, your flowers struggle to bloom. But once you begin nourishing the soil with self-compassion, boundaries, and healing work, your life will begin to flourish in ways you never thought possible.

Healing starts with awareness, then moves into intentional steps like therapy, coaching, journaling, emotional regulation, subconscious reprogramming, inner child work, and choosing to show up for yourself in the ways your mother couldn’t.

If you’ve been waiting for the right time to heal, stop waiting. Right NOW is the perfect time to tend to your garden and heal. And the best gift you can give yourself is the gift of healing!

We’ve done our own mother wound healing, we’ve helped other women heal, and we can help you too!

Please know that you're not broken, you are capable and worthy of healing and your freedom is just beyond your comfort zone.

So, if you’re ready to start your healing journey, we are here for you!

Ariel + Theresa

>>> Here are some ways you can get started along your healing journey <<<

1 - Download and work through the Mother Wound Guide + Assessment here. 

2 - Learn more about where your mother wound comes from and how it’s creating conflict in your mother daughter relationship by jumping into our 3-day, self-paced conflict workshop.

3 - Book a FREE discovery call to learn about our coaching programs and see if coaching is a fit.

4 - Jump into a 3-Session Intensive and dip your toes in the water.